My mind drifts...

My mind drifts to the woman I met in the drug store this morning. She was an African American with her hair braided across the top of her head. The fine silver threads interwoven were the only clue to her age, along with her stories of children raised long ago. She sees me looking for random things here and here, not seemingly able to find anything and she asks if she can help. I quickly reply no, hoping I was  polite enough. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m tired of being helped and being nice. I want to stop needing so much damn help. She is quickly by my side saying something so perfectly fitting for the moment, as if she read my mind.  I can’t comprehend the words she is saying but I know, she understands. I find myself letting her guide me along the aisles and the warmth of her spirit finds its way into my gated heart and mind. I want to be in her kitchen or maybe lying on her couch while she fixes me something warm to drink that she will bring to me on a tray.  I want to sip it from a giant mug as she tells me stories of the people she met in the store that day. I want to drift off to sleep as my dreams ride the cadence of her voice.

And in the meantime....

My little guy fell and broke his wrist in 2 places. He is in another hospital about 2 hours away from me getting it set and castted... I swear... Ya can't make this shit up... Just when you think things can't get worse.

We are due some good karma. I'm waiting for Brad Pitt to show up.. naked.. with a million dollars in cash.. and keys to a mansion on the beach... :)

We wait.

I think as soon as I hit "publish post" on my last blog entry I caused some type of comic stir, because my life has not had a moment of calm since. 

I'm writing this from the critical care unit of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia a few feet away from my oldest son Jay as he complains about not having enough milk to wash down his Egg Mc Whatever.

First let me say that the weather this week has been absolutely magnificent. The perfect beach weather, and it's a good thing since we planned a family vacation with another family at the beach. The sky has been clear and blue, the humidity is minimal, and the breeze is perfectly refreshing... Or so we have heard...

It started on our way down to our vacation spot. Jay first complained of a headache, then of his stomach feeling weird, then he puked, got a fever, and that was just the beginning. Things worsened when we arrived, and because he has had liver failure in the past, his possible dehydration is always a concern since it seems to be the trigger. My husband took him to the local ER for fluids and blood work, and things seemed to improve, which (of course) is when things got a whole lot worse, and we ended up in Children's Hospital.. where Jay recovered, was released.. and readmitted 14 hours later with a fever, headache, dehydration and delirium.

He's feeling a lot better now. We are still in the ICU, but he is sitting up and eating without fever...Thank goodness.

There is answer to the medical enigma that is my son. They have consulted every medical person known to man and have drawn gallons upon gallons of his blood for testing. ... and so now... we wait.

shhhh

I seem to be going through something. (So what's new?) I just want quiet. Is it possible the angst is over? Has the fire that has been burning inside of me for so long finally died down?

I'm not sure... and I'm not sure how I feel about it if it has.

There is something very peaceful in the quiet I feel, something very calm and... nice.  But I am afraid of what it may mean. The fire is what has driven me to whatever goal I have set for myself. Can I get there without it? Is my maturing some sort of acceptance or complacency, things that I have feared for so long.

Maybe this is just some sort of cocooning... and soon something new will emerge.

Step 2.1

I'm still stuck at step 2.. Although I did start writing about my dad.. I just had to get us all through the end of the school year transition.

And speaking of which... HAPPY SUMMER!!

We all had a very positive ending to a very productive and happy school year. Whew!! I haven't been able to say that since.... well... ever. 

Jay, who is 13 now and plays the electric guitar, and his friend who plays the drums, won an "American Idol" contest at school with their amazingly rocked out version of American Idiot and Holiday by Green Day. Not only did they win the contest, but they earned enough points for their team to win the end of the year school wide competition.  I was so proud of how Jay commanded the stage and got the audience involved. If you know the lyrics to either of these songs, then you know they had to do some creative editing.  Jay yelled... "WHEN I SAY 1 2 3 4... YOU GO CRAZY!!" And they did!!  Everyone was so amazed at how these two usually quiet dudes were wailing on stage. They were kings. At least for the rest of the afternoon.

When your child has such a passion for something, you want to do everything you can to support them. To us Jay sounds incredible, but we love the kid madly. I'll be honest, we were afraid that maybe we were blinded by that love and maybe the rest of the world wouldn't think he was as amazing as we thought he was.  This was definitely evidence to the contrary.. another whew... 

And now for some gushy mommy news about the little guy... who will be 9 next month...

 He just donated 10 inches of his hair to Locks of Love. He had been growing his hair for over a year and enduring all sorts of comments and staring, but I have to say, he pulled it off. He's one of those people that can make just about anything look cool. He is also emerging as quite a baseball player. He is on a travel league and he pitches. I am in awe of this kid. Where did he come from? So calm and collected on the mound, totally in control. It's thrilling to watch him.

I am one totally proud mama. That's for sure.

Step two

The first rule of writing is... write what you know.

I have chosen to write a book about my father, who was basically a complete enigma to me my whole life. Makes sense, right? Absolutely not.  Maybe it's some sort of divine intervention from beyond the grave that pushes me forward. Maybe it's some inner impetus driving me to somehow find my own story in his. I'm not sure. At this moment in time, I am just embarking on this journey of discovery, of him, of me, of us.

She gave me her blessing, in fact she feels honored on his behalf. 

I am exhilarated and a little scared.

And so it begins…

Step one

I am preparing.

I am preparing to meet his widow, my stepmother, and discuss with her my intention of writing a book about his life. I cannot begin to describe the series of events that lead me to this decision, but there was definitely a series of events that did, which is why I feel compelled to move forward. I am someone who has always looked for reason in her life. I need to know the "whys" more than the "whats." I seem to be continually considering the plane between here and there, which sometimes distracts me from the obvious. I need to understand his story and his message, because I know that my story is somewhere embedded in there.

So, this is the first step. Speaking with her. Telling her my intention. Getting her blessing? I need her access to him, to key people in his life, although I have a list of my own, but I know he would want her on board. He would want his family to support each other in their various endeavors.

What if she says no? I have thought of this. Who owns the rights to a story? Does the wife supersede the daughter? I am not sure. From what I have researched "permission" is what deems a biography authorized as opposed to an unauthorized version. I suppose I could always go that route if she denies me, but it lends such a sinister tint to the whole project and that's not the point. I have to find the best avenue for us all.

We are meeting for dinner next week. Wine. We will need plenty of wine.

Clean

I did the Master Cleanse for 6 days. I loved it, lost 11 pounds and felt amazing. It's not for everyone. It wasn't as hard as I expected after the first two days. It helps to be entrenched in routine and busy. Sitting around thinking about eating food does not help.

I was not only able to kick the coffee habit, but I have been headache free and not in need of allergy medication.. until today.  There is so much old moldy snow on the ground, that my body just couldn't fight it anymore and I had to take a pill.  Considering I was taking several a day, every day, one in three weeks isn't so bad.

I will do the cleanse again when I can do it longer. We had a lot of events this month and it is hard to stay on the cleanse while one is out and about. It is definitely something to be done while somewhat sequestered.

:)